Bournemouth are a Little Club. They’ve done well to get this far and it’s good to see that the Best League in the World still has to put up with this sort of outfit. On the other hand, there are bigger bus shelters than their away bit and they’re starting to do better than some of the Big Clubs, so there’ll probably be a law brought in against them and not before time. We can’t be doing with this sort of riff-raff.

Their manager looks like Unai’s younger brother and they’ve got Patrick Kluivert’s lad playing for them. By the time he was born his old man had already played for Ajax, Milan and Barcelona and won the Champions League. Junior’s going to have to go some to catch up.

Like every other Premier League club they’ve got a multi-national management team of directors, departmental heads and presidents. To make up for all his foreign malarkey they’ve got Tommy Elphick, the most English player since the maximum wage was abolished, as first team coach. The goalposts are specially reinforced.

We’ve gone back to the old tradition of getting players injured on a weekly basis. This tine it’s Youri Tielemans joining Marcuss Rashford wherever it is that players go when they’re injured. We haven’t got a particularly good record at Bournemouth although we did have a Rudy Gestede-inspired win in 2015, much good it did us.