The Sawiris/Edens Finishing School

Richard Keeling stumbles across a school newsletter.

Motto: Always improving

Headmaster: Dr. Unai Emery B.Sc (Valencia), M.Sc (Paris), Ph.D (Villarreal)

Christmas 2023 Newsletter
Special one-off edition
Editor: Richard Keeling

A message from the owners, Mr Sawiris and Mr Edens:
Hello and we are delighted, as we are sure you are, with our appointment of Dr Emery last year. The school has progressed remarkably quickly under his direction. With your help and support we are looking forward to this progress being maintained in the year ahead. We wish you all a very Merry Christmas and feel confident that we can all look forward to a Happy New Year.

The Headmaster, Dr Emery, writes:
The improvement in academic standards since I joined SEFS has unfortunately not been matched by a rise in the standard of behaviour. I was most unimpressed by the shenanigans during the first team’s match in west London recently. My job description does not include trying to stop fights and scuffles. A New Year Resolution for every pupil in the school must be to remain mindful of the reputation of the school and to behave impeccably, even in the face of provocation from yobs. You must not let them drag you down to their level.

It has been brought to my attention that some pupils have taken to referring to the Bursar, Señor Monchi, as Mr Monkey and sniggering behind his back. The fact that Señor Monchi’s Spanish name is slightly unfortunate in English is no excuse for mocking him. He is an outstandingly capable member of the non-teaching staff and we are extremely fortunate to have him here at SEFS. If I hear of any pupil showing anything but the utmost respect to Señor Monchi he will be in serious trouble.

It is vital that the school maintains its upward progress in the league tables with a view to becoming number one in England in the not-too-distant future. That means you must all keep working extremely hard and ensure that every piece of homework without exception is completed to a very high standard. My staff and I will come down on any slackers like a ton of bricks. It is going to be a busy Christmas for all of us, but lots of hard work from everybody will make sure it is a happy one.

A message from the Bursar, Señor Monchi:
Seasonal greetings to you all and what a pleasure it is to have come to a fine school like SEFS. You can be sure that my staff and I will always work very closely with Dr Emery to try to ensure that the school’s fortunes remain on an upward trajectory. In addition, I am very pleased that the owners have given me assurances that Dr Emery and I have their full support. A task which is occupying us at present is the award of scholarships in January. We would like to recruit a few more outstanding pupils and we believe that our task will be helped considerably while the school maintains an outstanding academic record. So please all keep up the good work.

You have probably read recently of the death of the poet Benjamin Zephaniah, who was a local boy and a long-time friend of this school. You may not realise, however, that he could easily have become headmaster of this school when it was St Doug’s High School. Years ago, Benjamin knew former owner Sir Doug Ellis, who told Benjamin he was like a son to him. Sir Doug was always keen to appoint his ‘sons’ as headmaster, so possibly Benjamin had a narrow escape. However, our thoughts are now very much with his family at this difficult time.

Your Letters
Well, what a fiasco this is. The headmaster persuaded me to join SEFS at the start of this school year and I was flattered to be asked to come to such a good school. Since then, he has totally ignored me and I have just been left to my own devices. I can’t wait to get away. If you ask me, Dr Emery is a complete and utter
Au revoir
Year 12
Contributors are reminded that letters showing disrespect to the headmaster will be cut – Ed.

Dear All,
My friend Emi and I are hoping you haven’t forgotten about us during our long stay in the sick bay. We were unfortunate enough to be badly hurt right at the start of the school year and at first Matron put us in the Ivo Stas ward for the chronically infirm. We weren’t at all happy about that but I am glad to tell you that we are now on the mend and are hoping to be back in school before too long. Merry Christmas to you all from us both.

Year 13
We are all very much looking forward to seeing you and Emi back at school next year, Tyrone – Ed.

Good morning,
I am sorry to have to report that my school is having a difficult time this year. Part of the problem, I am convinced, is that my gels are frequently distracted by unwelcome attention from pupils at the boys’ school. This must cease immediately.

Yours sincerely
Ms C Ward
Headmistress, SEFS Girls
Thank you for your letter, which I have forwarded to the headmaster, though I doubt that he will agree with you – Ed.

Dear Sir,
I am told you are all enjoying the difficulties I have encountered since I arrived at the St Andrews Young Offenders’ Institution in October. Well, you wait and see. I will soon turn this place round and wipe the smiles off your faces.

Mr Rooney
Chief Warder, St Andrews YOI
Bordesley Green
Watch out for flying pigs, everybody! – Ed.

Hi Everyone,
I know the headmaster from the time when I was at his school in north London. He has had a down on me ever since that day in the lower school when the dog ate my homework. There is no chance I will ever be made a prefect. Everyone seems to think he is wonderful but, if you ask me, Dr Emeroid is about as much use as a

Year 12

Letters showing disrespect to the headmaster will be cut. Contributors are reminded that, if you can’t say anything nice about people, it is better to say nothing at all. – Ed.

Hello All,
What a great year we are having and what an excellent headmaster Dr Emery is. Keep up the good work and I am sure we will go places. All the very best for Christmas and 2024.

Head Boy
Year 13
Well said, John. You are a fine example to the whole school. – Ed.