Once these facts have been faced and accepted, the fans are then able to enjoy what remains - the team, the camaraderie and at least the quality of the opposition. The worse your team are, the more there is to admire from the visitors.

The best bit about supporting a crap to mediocre football team is having a laugh at your own players. Always remember that even the most dedicated and committed player doesn't care a fraction as much as does the average supporter. If the money's right, he's off. A player's dedication and commitment depend on a number of factors. (1) How confident he is of retaining his place in the team (crap players just have to try harder, that's all). (2) The need to prove his value for negotiating a new contract or moving to a new club. Players tend to suffer loss of form in the middle of contracts with amazing regularity.

While crap players should be treated with amused contempt and given nicknames that capture their resemblance to farmyard animals or the mentally retarded, they should be viewed with gratitude because these are the only ones who actually want to play for the club. They have no choice.

Any player that emerges as any good at all should immediately be reviled and disliked because they will inevitably move on and this will just mean saving time later when they play for your greatest rivals.

Any player that on scoring goes in for the old shirt-kissing nonsense, should be pelted with a mixture of rotten eggs and over-ripe fruit because he did the same to every shirt he ever wore, right up until the moment he left on a Bosrnan.

Similarly, any fan caught toadying to the chairman or publicly praising the old bastard should be tarred and feathered, keelhauled, or in the case of females the ducking stool reintroduced. The chairman provides the fans with the most useful of hate objects and should always be greeted good-naturedly with some appropriate epithet that encapsulates his wealth, corpulence and the traditional doubts about his parentage. When his Rolls-Royce is seen parked in public, no fan should miss the chance to remind him of the pandemic spread of support for his club by etching an encouraging ditty on the bonnet. When expressing disapproval, personal insults should be avoided and all death threats directed at his wife and children but in such a way as to express the sense of humour characteristic of simple working class folk.

Joy of joys for those stuck with the crap team of a stagnant club is playing another crap team, of which there are plenty. When the relative crapness of any two teams is more or less equal, then much amusement can be had with the argument: My tearn is worse than your team. Even more fun can be had talking about each club's great players and enquiring who they play for now.

A game for serious players only is known as Pathetic Martyr. In this sad but amusing pastime, points are scored for highest percentage of income squandered relative to pleasure gained. Trumps are the number of estranged partners and alienated kids achieved in the shortest possible time. He/she who has endured the most misery wins and is Pathetic' Martyr and must buy A the drinks all night and be inflicted with a DIY club tattoo.

Football. You know it makes sense.