Well, we won't have to take our lives in our hands getting to and from Bordesley next season, thanks to Graham Taylor's Hornets. That Chris Holland done us all a favour by blowing his penalty (chuckle). I just had to listen to Tom Ross after (snort). It was funny listening to all the "gutted" vernmin (snigger). Then there was all the Villa fans winding up Tom as well (chortle). "At least you'll have a local derby with Walsall" was the best (guffaw). And with Watford stuffing Bolton at Wembley we'll be able to give Graham the long-overdue welcome he deserves next season.

Headline on the back of the Mail the night after - "BLUES HEROES". Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't they lose? Looks like Small Heath have joined the Frank Bruno school of heroic failures. They've had 114 years of practice.

It's decision day at the Town Hall as Villa look to get the latest expansion plans approved. Outside, a band of protesters hand over a 2,000 name petition They must have big families in them few houses around Villa Park. Anyway, our plans are approved by the council later that day. All we need now is a team fit for the stadium.

That's it, for the second season in a row our best player turns his back on us and joins Gloryhunter United - and this time we didn't even get a penny out of it. Bosnich says he's grateful for what Villa have done for him over the last seven years. Yeah, so grateful you left first chance you could get. We looked after you through injuries, run-ins with the FA and horrendous errors. If you'd behaved like Steve MacManaman, told the truth and been honest with the club and the supporters who always backed you at least you'd have been a real man . But you didn't and you're not.

And 48 hours after signing, Bosnich is arrested after an altercation outside Legs Eleven on his stag night. Obviously he's going to fit in well.

Four games into his new job and a lot of people are beginning to see the sun doesn't shine out of Keyin Keegan's arsehole after all. The displays against Sweden and Bulgaria were poor, it will take a miracle of loaves and fishes proportions to qualify for Euro 2000.

"Somone approached me and asked if I would be interested in Teddy Sheringham if he was available" says one of the Sex Aid brothers. Wonder who that was, then? Must have been one of Sheringham's enemies to go touting him to Small Heath. I mean, treble winner, scores in the European Cup final then wants a move to Small Heath. Doesn't sound right, does it?

The FA are bending over backwards to get Ure into this World Club Championship thing in Brazil, even offering to let them opt out of the FA Cup for a season. Be funny if they lose in the first round. I suppose if they do then the proles at Lancaster Gate would let them back in the Cup. I don't give a toss whether or not they play in either competition and as for it helping England get the 2006 World Cup, who cares? I'm more interested in whether or, not we're going to finally sign Robbic Keane.

Juninho is now officially available. Atletico's new manager doesn't want him. Two English clubs are rumoured to have bid for him - us and 'Boro, how surprising. But if 1 have to listen to another round of builshit from messrs Robson, Gibson and Juninho snr, I'll fly over to Madrid and strangle the little bastard.

It seems that the captain of the Thailand national team may have what it takes to make it into the Premiership. Who says so? None other than the coach of the Thai national team, who packs the lad off to Mddlesbrough for a two week trial. And who is this coach? Peter Withe, who I seem to recall was the most unsuccessful Head of European Scouting in history before landing another cushy job in the land of knocking shops and death penalties for just about everything. Why wasn't this bloke pushed in our direction, Pete?

I can't bloody believe it. Someone actually WANTS Collymore! Good old Fulham boss Paul Bracewell has taken the Cannock comedian on loan with a view to a permanent move. Oh please, yes. Take him, Mr Fayed.

And no sooner do we see the back of Stan The Money Burning Man than we start spending money. Guayeb, Gharaib, whoever he is, has come from Hapoel Haifa via the Spurs treatment room for a million quid. He might have turned us down once but now he's got a second chance to become a legend to follow in the footsteps of Ivo Stas and Neale Cooper.

We finally end the George Boateng saga with the usual sideswipe from sad tosser Richardson because he knows his club can't keep their best players. But what of our new arrival? Having been in Cornwall for two weeks, where football knowledge constitutes getting your Man Ure shirt over your head without dislodging the straw that's in your front teeth I read his Sunday Mercury interview. Excuse me, but have we signed Billy Graham by mistake? He's a bit of a bible basher, but if he does the biz I'm sure we will be able to sell Boateng prayer mats in the club shop.

It doesn't take long for Herbie to balance the books. Two in, two out as Ricardo Scimicea and Simon Grayson leave, the latter for a ludicrously small fee. Our squad is no stronger numbers-wise than it was last season. And it wasn't big enough then.

What about these greedy bloody footballers, then? First it's the Aneika Story, going on longer than War & Peace. £22 MILLION? Neilsen Wenger must be laughing his nuts off. Then Jimmy Floyd Bottlebank tells Leeds to stick their 30 grand a week. Now I know the game's gone mad.

And the first trophy of the season goes to that most popular of football clubs. Not Manchester United. Oh dear, Mr Kangaroo Shagger lets in his first goals in a Sharp advert and Arsenal win the Charity Shield. Their consumer base, sorry, supporters were banging on about how great he is after a couple of clean sheets in friendlies. Let's see what they think now. Long may it last.

Before going, 1 must give a namecheck to some characters I met while holidaying with the Ranting family at Sun Valley in St Austell. Thanks to the Villa-supporting, H&V-subsribing Maynard family for another two weeks of excellent claret & blue service. To their efficient bar staff Pete & Tony. And to this year's surprise guests Bob & Belinda, who run a working mens club in Leicester. Bob and his lads are Villa Park regulars and if you can imagine my dislike of Small Heath multiplied tenfold you'd be getting close to what Bob thinks of Leicester City. Not forgetting Colin the Tractor, the Ipswich fan (with 'a name like that there's not many teams he could support) who is 100% positive he will be coming to Villa Park next season.

So that's it then, another season gets underway. You are reading this after we gave Everton a good hiding, following on from our long-awaited victory at St James' Park where Shearer was stretchered off after kicking himself in the eye. See you on top of the league.