5th May: Villa 3 Charlton 4. The end of the season sometimes throws up some strange results, but nothing to compare with this one. Gareth Barry has a go at emulating Chris Nicholl for ten minutes, then in the second half things get seriously X-files. They lead twice, we equalise twice. They get their keeper sent off and just when we're looking to get three points, Steve Watson balances up the dismissals and from the free kick Charlton get a winner. It might have been an exciting game but it was an abysmal performance. Lets get this straight. We were not playing Brazil '70, or even Manchester United '99. We were at home to Charlton, a team who are going down. We let them score four goals and they could have got more. This was a disgrace. We're ending this season the same way Blackburn ended the last.

16th May: Arsenal 0 Villa 1. It could have been worth it but results elsewhere meant that the championship returned to its rightful home and we missed out on the dubious pleasures of the Intertoto Cup. Apart from that, there wasn't much to say about this one. The usual end of season atmosphere (you know it's the last match when the old songs start getting an airing), some promising displays here and there but overall a sense of missed opportunity. We need to learn from this year and concentrate on next season.

20th May: Before tonight I had maximum respect for Graham Taylor. By eleven o'clock it had increased. Once a Villa man ....

22nd May. Normally I take transfer rumours with a Siberian Mine sized pinch of salt. But today's I can't help worrying over. Chris Coleman and Karren's fella? Aaaaaaaaaaagggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

24th May: At some time in the past, or possibly in the future, Stan may have contributed to the Colombian balance of payments deficit. Footballer takes drugs!!!! Well I never, bet that's not happened before, must make an example of him, etc etc (cont. Daily Telegraph).

27th May: I heard the news today, oh boy. And tomorrow. And the day after. Meanwhile, in a far off galaxy that isn't obsessed with one football club's single triumph in over three decades, the Villa finally get permission to expand the ground to 50,000. The neighbours still aren't best pleased.

29th May: According to John, via the papers, there isn't the money for another massive spending spree. Yes, I wondered about the word 'another' as well.

1st June: Bossie says he's going to join everybody's favourite European Champions tomorrow and tell all about Life at the Villa.

2nd June: He signs, and says .... not much. We're after George Boateng. Well ain't that a surprise?

3rd June: Manchester City are thinking about an offer for Stan. They had Sicknote up there once. Must be something in the air.

7th June: After scoring in the European Cup final, Teddy Sheringharn must be made up to know that El Porno wants him at the Sty. And lan Wight. And that Brazilian bloke, Ronald O' something. How could they turn down such an offer?

9th June: An all-time record. Two months before the start of the season and the Mail have a "Villa Crisis, two pages of your letters" special.

17th June: One minute we're still debating keepers, the next there's a press conference announced and David James is unveiled. £1,S8million of bargain or liability depending on your opinion. There'll be plenty of discussion before the season is through.

20th June: Stan's passed his drugs test. Is that like passing your driving test?

27th June: Doug's negotiating with the Olbiyun to get Upo's sell on clause changed. Real Madrid are reported to be after him. He's not going, say Doug,& John in harmony. Why do I feel so uneasy?

29th June: Panathinaikos are bidding for Stan. Juninho's up for sale again, but not to us because we can't afford him.

30th June: Two other clubs are after Stan. Celta Vigo and Our Illustrious Neighbours. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

2nd July: Our manager, taking about one of his players. "I want Stan to go away permanently. The whole club does. As far away as possible." They're definitely warming to each other, don't you think?

4th July: Random stories from today's papers. We're buying Robbic Keane. We're not buying Juninho. JG wants Terry Venables as director of football. Doug doestn't. Rearrange these in order of probability.

8th July: The Mirror get all outraged because His Imperial Excellency Sir Lord Emperor Alex bans them from the training ground. Well if you spend ten years stuck up somebody's arse you shouldn't be surprised when they shit on you.

10th July: Ugo says what we've been expecting him today for months. The Villa have got no ambition and he'll be on his way if things don't look up soon.

11th July: Not so, according to Mark Ansell, who reckons we spend as much as any other club. What he doesn't say is that we sell as much as well.

13th July: We haven't bid enough for Robbie Keane.

14th July: Or George Boateng.

16th July: Stevenage Borough 0 Villa 3. A useful first workout, although it took long enough to start scoring. Hendrie & Barry looked class, James looked indecisive although it was his first game so we'll let that pass. Watson & Draper weren't in it, Joachim looked up for it.

19th July: Stan's gone to Fulharn on loan. Mark my words, he'll be back. Remember that Garayeb bloke, the one we were about to sign when Spurs beat us to it? Well he failed their medical so we're getting him for a cut-price £1 million.

20th July: Boateng finally signs for £4.5 million. Garayeb/Ghrayib signs as well, although as he puts pen to paper a strange, eerie shadow descends over the room. Witnesses says it bears a remarkable resemblance to a mysterous, curly-headed Eastern European. And to round off the day the new kit's unveiled. Another tradition bites the dust.

22nd July: Another tradition still stands, though. We sign a player ftom Coventry, Bryan Richardson screams "Unfair! Illegal approach! Policel FA! FBI! Mounties! ".

23rd July: Ricardo Scimeca joins Forest for £3 million worth of books-balancing. Villa 2 Ajax 2. Two up, James gives them a goal and we settle for a 90 minute draw. In the penalties, Southgate misses one, James saves a couple and we're in the final. Whatever the continent we stay the same.

24th July: Northampton 1 Villa Res 1. Not particularly pleasing. One down after 20 seconds and it could have been five at half time. Second half was better but we still looked unsure and the equaliser came out of nothing. The team was woefully inexperienced, comparing them to a Man Ure or Arsenal second string doesn't beat thinking about.

25th July: Fiorentina 4 Villa 0. Back to reality and it's only a friendly anyway. We come up against world class and are sadly found wanting. The real worry is that we played five at the back for the second snatch in a row.

26th July: It's the pantomime season again. 'Wolves are being greedy", we say. 'Oh no we aren't", say Wolves. "Oh yes you are ....."

28th July: Pre-tax profits increase sixfold to £20million. Doug rnoans about player wages. Guess who paid himself half a million in wages and dividends?

29th July: John says we're playing 5-3-2 this season Just like we did last year and, er, nobody else in the top six did. Simon Grayson joins Blackburn for £750,000 - a week after he was due to join Leicester for £2 rnillion. Can somebody help me out, please? Kate Hoey becomes Minister of Sport. Her first act is to abuse Manchester United. She won't last.

1st August: Feyenoord 0 Villa 0 extended our unbeaten run in this stadium. James did well again but there wasn't a lot of attacking promise. With five defenders and three midfielders of the battling sort rather than flair players it's hardly surprising. Still, a day for nostalgia and for getting over a weekend in Amsterdam.

2nd August: Paul Merson's having treatment again but he'll be okay for Saturday. Do we get bulk rates?

3rd August: Kidderminster 1 Villa 0 was embarrassing. Please don't say it's only a friendly or blame the weather - the season starts on Saturday and nine or ten of the players on display will claim to be in the first tearn yet they were outplayed. This game traditionally ends 0-5, but not tonight. Either Jan Molby's got a team together that will piss the Conference, or we might have a problem.

3rd August: Villa are giving up on Robbie Keane and switching, their attention to Noel Whelan, of our nursery side Coventry City. Keane gets arrested for drunk driving. The two facts are not believed to be connected.