As told by the English media, to Chris Dance.
Wow! (WHOOOSHHH!!) What was that?! If you missed it, where were you?! If you saw it, you’ll never forget it!! BOOOOOM!! Welcome to the FINAL word on the FINAL day of the EPIC climax of the ULTIMATE contest in the GREATEST LEAGUE IN THE WORLD! Hold on to your hats, don’t blink or go away, because as Aerosmith so rightly said, you won’t wanna miss a thing!!
(WHOOOOSH!!)
The two best squads in the country going almost toe-to-toe throughout some of another pulsating season and then the richest one overcoming adversity and defying all the odds to snatch it almost at the death, breathlessly, brilliantly, at about quarter to the last minute! Who could have predicted it, apart from lots of pundits who we’ll hear from in a minute, but what a ride, what a rollercoaster, and look at what it means!
(FOOTAGE OF MEL C AND JOHN BISHOP LOOKING DISAPPOINTED. THEN CUT TO BLUE SMOKE.)
Look at the quadruple heartbreak! But also look at the emotion at the final whistle as those elated City fans, who’ve suffered so much over the years, pour onto the pitch to celebrate their heroes pulling another title out of nowhere when all seemed lost, look at them deliriously smashing up their own stadium and ecstatically hurling stuff at the travelling supporters, people talk about the money but you really can’t put a price on scenes like these, and even if you could the naysayers would say they have the money to buy it, but that would be overlooking another season of scintillating football from these oh so worthy champions!
DION DUBLIN: But guys, these pitch invasions, player safety –
(WHOOOSH!) De Bruyne is in tears, look at what it means!!!
DUBLIN: – Billy Sharp –
SHUT UP DION, LOOK AT WHAT IT MEANS!!!
CARRAGHER: It’s understandable, you know, I mean, Stevie nearly got the result, his boys gave it a good go but ultimately they were undone, you know, it’s good for his team to have a bit of the limelight, it’s not all about the big boys, there are other teams in this league and it’s an honour for them to be involved in a decider because they don’t usually get the chance, and Stevie will know that.
Will people say he let it slip?
CARRAGHER: Well Stevie’s Stevie, if they say it so be it, but Stevie won’t care and I don’t think they’ll say it.
Over to the Twittersphere:
TWITTER: Slippy G, haha, Slippy G. Cry more. This is why Jack came, to win things. Loving your salty tears.
CR7 GOAT. Farmer’s league. Rent free in your head, Slippy G, cry more, salty tears, quadruple hahaha, (checks notes) hold dat.
LINEKER: Micah Richards, any thoughts?
RICHARDS: Ahahahahahaha ahahahahahaha!
ROY KEANE: Self-conscious fury, hot take, wouldn’t have survived five minutes at United, long hard look in the mirror, disgraceful!
RICHARDS: Ahahahahahahaha ahahahahaha! My bruv’s on the phone, Jacky boy, champiooooneeeesss champiooooooneeesss, whaaaaasssssuuuuppp?!!!! Ahahahahaha!!!!! Innit!
And doesn’t this riveting climax just remind us all what a phenomenal competition the Premier League is, and to think that only a year ago the top six clubs shamefully and disgracefully threatened to break away and form their own European Super League, I ask you, how could anything be better than this? Find me another league that can match the drama, the suspense, the skill and the goals of this, the greatest league in the world, which proves, year on year as it did again today, that it’s not just about the top six clubs at all but about some other ones as well. Jermaine, what’s coming up on MOTDX?
JENAS: We’ll be having a sneak peek at Manchester United’s training ground Nintendo Room, Alan and Wrighty will be counting down the top ten best Liverpool and Man City Premier League throw-ins, DJ Spoony’s tasting Nandos with the Arsenal and Spurs squads and Mason Mount will be showing us his cupboard of shoes. Don’t be late, the banter will be off the scale!!
Sounds great, Jermaine, the cherry on the icing on the sensational cake that is the Premier League season 2021-22, a season so unpredictable, as they all are, and who better to talk predictions than the man who’s stopping doing them after all these years, Lawro. Lawro, did you predict anything like that?
LAWRO: Well yes and no, yes, I did predict some football results but no, not like that, I had an inkling that City would win it but I also thought Liverpool had a chance of winning it, but I also thought Chelsea, Manchester United, Spurs and Arsenal would have a say in the destination of the title, which, as it turned out, they didn’t, so in that respect, yes, it was unpredictable.
Last week you were up against Tim ‘Waxy’ Woxford, bass player with indie band Output 46, whose hit Killy Rabbit Nasty Man was in Brighton’s top 250 breakers of 2021. Tim grew up in Plymouth and is a Liverpool fan on Tuesdays and Thursdays and the rest of the week he likes Arsenal and he’s also started following Brazil. He got more points than you.
LAWRO: Well it just goes to show, the young man guessed at the results, as I do, and on this occasion he came out on top. Look, I’ve been doing this for over twenty years and I’ve consistently predicted a Liverpool win on every single occasion, and Jurgen Klopp has finally made me look like I know what I’m talking about which is why I’m getting out now. They can’t keep doing this, Klopp’s done wonders for my performance but he can’t compete with City’s money.
It’s not all about money, Lawro! Here’s a serious journalist with a long-winded piece about how great Pep is: “Pep Guardiola arrived on our shores with a huge reputation and a track record unmatched in the modern game, but nonetheless with a question mark over his learned head. Up to that point he’d mastered every challenge put to him, had conquered both domestically and in Europe, but there were those who remained unconvinced that his continental methodology would be a good fit for the hurly-burly of the Premier League. Never had he experienced the high drama and passion of an English league season, and there were legitimate doubts that he would have the skills to survive in an environment so at odds with the one in which he forged his career and made his name. Those doubts now lie in tatters.
“Guardiola has not only survived, he has thrived. Typical of this thoughtful renaissance man, he has channelled any negativity into a burning desire to succeed, and now, with yet another title under his belt, any question that he was ill-equipped looks foolish. Under the greatest of pressure Pep has moulded a team that exhausts the opposition and exhilarates the supporters. There is now no weakness in the squad he has built. Even in the final throes of the season, when all looked lost and hopeless, he opted to keep his record signing on the bench, a non-move staggering in its bravery. He knew he would be under fire if his team couldn’t turn the game round, but he had faith. He had nurtured these players, groomed them as a team, he felt there was enough out there to do the job, and he believed. His not doing anything showed his belief, and his team saw it and they believed, and the moment a freshly inspired galactico clawed one back the match was only going Pep’s way.
“Fortune favoured the brave, and Guardiola has been nothing but that. For two years he has thrown caution to the wind and played without a recognised striker, because whatever people say it’s not about the money. It would be a lazy mind that attributed Pep’s success purely to spending power. He’d sooner bide his time and adapt his methods than fritter away millions on someone who will merely do. And adapt he has. He’s stuck his head above the parapet and bet the farm on his players simply outperforming their counterparts, and despite that high-risk strategy they have done that with aplomb. It’s not Pep’s fault that in his ranks he has the mercurial talent of Kevin de Bruyne, supported by a billion pounds worth of footballing talent and sports science, any more than it’s Dean Smith’s fault that Norwich only have Teemu Pukki who can kick forwards. Next season Guardiola will adapt again, to accommodate the highly-rated Haaland, and the pressure will ramp up yet further. It says a lot about Pep’s genius that we’ll expect him to succeed again, and that it would be a surprise if he doesn’t serve up more of the wonderful football he’s treated us to over the last few years. We are truly blessed to have him.”
LINEKER: Is he right Micah?
RICHARDS: Aahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
LINEKER: Bloke from Kasabian, Leicester City, pleased with the season?
KASABIAN: Disappointed really.
LINEKER: Me too, crowbarred them in anyway. Great stuff gents. Before we go, what does Ten Hag need to do to fix this?
ALEX SCOTT: Funny you say that Gary, join us on Football Focus every Saturday when we’ll be asking Martin Keown: Wwhat does Ten Hag need to do to fix this?
JENAS: And on our brand new show MOTDX 2, on the red button after MOTDX, when we’ll be asking Sam Ryder, fresh from his Eurovision triumph: What does Ten Hag need to do to fix this?
RICHARDS: Ahahahahahahahaha ahahahaha!!!!
CARRAGHER: But quadruple heartbreak!! Was it offside? He was offside!! Back in October, remember?!
PETER WALTON: In my opinion, when the ball was played, the player playing it and the player it was being played to were not in an offside position and the player who may have been in an offside position was not interfering with play, in which case I would uphold the referee’s view that the referee was entirely correct from August right through to this afternoon.
MATTERFACE: Words, loads of words.
And that was it, all there, right there, on your screens, in your newspapers, on the internet. Every year we say it was the best season yet, and then the next one comes along and we say it again, it can’t keep happening can it?! It’s only weeks until the 2022-23 season kicks off and now we’re asking, what’s that got in store for us? Will City defend their title? Will Klopp find the missing piece in the jigsaw? Will Chelsea stage a resurgence with their new owner? Who will win the spoils in North London? And what does Ten Hag need to do to fix this? It’s back in August! And it’s live!!!! WHOOOOOSHH!
(MONTAGE OF MARTIN TYLER’S FIVE-MINUTE HATTRICK OF ORGASMS)
