I've just seen highlights of the scouse derby. The next logical step would be for Michael Owen, on his Soccer Skills programme, to have a section on jumping in with all studs showing, thigh high obscene tackles, and how to get away it.

The second most rancid player in the history of football (after Beelzebub) has surfaced again. Teletext reported that vile dwarf Maradona reckons that a movie being made about his life will 'set the record straight'. What exactly does the foul South American pygmy mean by that? If he means it will tell what a drug abusing, handballing, rule bending, firearm discharging, twisting little shit he is then fair enough. Anything else will be a load of bollocks. One thing's for certain; I won't be paying to see it.

So we couldn't beat a ten man redscouse, even though Staunton had delighted us all by getting himself an early bath. We must have had 80 per cent of possession but hardly any worthwhile goal attempts. Most of the entertainment was out on Witton Lane before the match. The amount of touts in operation when we play Liverpool is always a sight but this year there were more than ever. And what a sad bunch they look. Every one of 'em have got Michael Owen haircuts, squashed noses, and tracksuit bottoms elasticated at the ankle and stuck at calf height so you can see the black Armani socks. This is obviously the latest fashion statement in the land of hubcap collecting. Sad.

Last week Small Heath beat a very average QPR with the aid of two penalties. They were top of the

first division and didn't they crow about it on Tom Ross' show. They're brill, they're unbeatable, they're goin' up, no play offs this time, Trev is God. Seven days later they lose 1-0 at Charlton, who replace them at the league's summit. All of a sudden the sex aid brothers have got to get the cheque book out, the players aren't good enough and they'll be lucky to finish top six. What a load of fickle phlegm balls.

The Villa have got involved in yet another transfer comedy. First we want Carbone, then we don't because his wage demands are too high. For Carbone read Juninho, or Keane, or a dozen other names over the past five years. Bring back Ron Saunders I say. We only knew about new signings when they'd actually signed a contract when Iron Ron was in charge. Bring back Ron's short and to the point programme notes calling for 110% effort from players and fans alike. Bring back terraces; bring back an interesting Argus; bring back the old European Cup competition; but most importantly, bring back hanging for Small Heath supporters and Argentinian dwarfs. Sorry, I seem to have strayed off the point a little.............

That sad PornoDwarf was on the radio the other day, and as usual he was grovelling publicly for more suckers to go through the turnstiles at the Sty. It's obviously beyond the Filth Midget's comprehension that there's only so many morons and thugs in a city the size of Brum, and most of them already attend the Sty regularly. No one in their right mind would even consider 90 minutes at St Blandrews.

What the hell is football coming to? That gusset stain Veiera gobs on another player, and cites provocation. And just what was that provocation? "He called me a French prat". Mr Spittoon is obviously unaware that not only are the French prats but they are irritating with it. If he was a man and not a nancy boy frog he would have chinned Ruddock, but being labelled a prat isn't much to get worked up about really is it? Donkey Ruddock must be losing his touch. Prat? What about snail shagger? Or garlic sucker? Personally I'd have gone for collaborator, ho ho ho.

Whilst on the subject of French prats, Frank 'Scar Skull' Leboeuf is now complaining about the amount of violence in the Premier League. This overpaid tart reckons he's frightened of getting injured every time he steps on the pitch. What a complete arsehole. If he was a fireman, a soldier or a plod he might have cause to whine. As it is this quivering jelly gets £20,000 a week for kicking a ball about and making sure his dome is shiny. He's another one who deserves a good kicking.

Bottom of the table Walsall beating Small Heath. They should have played the Laughing Policeman over the tannoy at Bescot as Beelzebub's spawn trooped off the field. It's results like this, and the merriment it creates, that make football worth watching.

Even though Gareth Southgate won what I think was only his second cap under Mr Bubble Perm's leadership, I find it absolutely impossible to get excited at the prospect of an England game, be it qualifier or friendly. But if we were playing the twisting, diving, fouling scumbag Argies I might possibly, just, take a passing interest...........

In a survey of 12 to 16 year olds, Slapper and Petulant Spice were voted 'Coolest Parents in the World'. No wonder the youth of today take drugs. I wonder if they will still be classed as cool when they call their next sprog Clapham Common?

The Villa are thinking of offering a contract to a 17 year old Italian trialist. He obviously hasn't heard of Fabio Ferraresi's exploits down B6 way. And what happened to our European scouts during the recent break in the league programme, you know, the ones scouring Europe for top talent? Probably lost their atlas when they reached the Tunnel. The now almost famous occupant of the seat next to me, Dean Barrett, gets up to some strange things. In a few weeks time he will take his usual seat, and give the Villa his usual backing (recent fave being "Watson you feckin tosser"). Then the next day he will travel to London to see the Erotica Show.......with estranged wife and in laws in tow. It takes all sorts...........

First there was Dion Dublin, and Shitefield Road supremo Knob Head Richardson squeals poaching, FA inquisitions and all sorts. Then there was George Boateng, and old Knob Head was doing his piggie in an abattoir impression once again. Now that Olbiyun are reporting Coventry to the FA because they've stolen one of the Baggies youth stars where is Bryan the Bollocks? Where indeed.

Just got back from our 3-0 cruise against Man Ure's third team. If it wasn't for Judas we'd have got six, although that was to be expected with us playing a team of unheard ofs. What I find amusing is the differing opinions on Sporran Face's team selection. On Radio 5 Handsome Beast Mellor was right up Fergiescum's anus, saying he's got a right to pick who he wants. Over on Capital Tom Ross is busting a blood vessel saying Fergiescum should be charged with bringing the game into disrepute, he's conned the fans, his team choice was a disgrace etc etc. What I find annoying is the Villa fans who agree with Tom. We knew as soon as we heard the draw that we'd be playing the Manc reserves. To those sad bastards who complained because they wanted to see Beckham, Giggs and Yorke I say; why don't you piss off to Mold Trafford or get a Sky subscription? I don't give a monkeys if every team sends their second string to play us as long as we win. And if I never have to see Spice Boy and Sheep Shagger again I'll be well pleased.

That's it for another issue, but before ending I must give a big well done to the Villa supporters who gave Bosnich a torrid 90 minutes. Never have I seen a player get such unbridled non-stop hammer before, not even Count Francis. Absolutely brilliant.