The Sawiris–Edens/Finishing School
Motto: Non ab illegitimis carborundum
Headmaster: Dr. Unai Emery B.Sc (Valencia), M.Sc (Paris), Ph.D (Villarreal)
Newsletter
Autumn Term 2025 – Special one-off Edition
Editor: Richard Keeling

A message from the owners, Mr Sawiris and Mr Edens:

Hello and we are pleased that the school is starting to get back on track after a very slow start to the term. Like us, I am sure that you were very disappointed to miss out so narrowly on qualifying last school year as one of the top schools in Europe, but there is no point in moping about it. Let bygones be bygones and strive to improve on last year’s achievement.

It has been brought to our attention that some of you think that our investment partner, Atairos, is in the business of asset stripping. We have heard a rumour that you think their first target will be the Sanatorium and that Matron will soon be out of a job.

Let me assure you that this rumour is nonsense. The school cannot possibly manage without the San, especially as it is so heavily used by so many of you. We can assure you that the staff from Atairos are fully committed to supporting us in our project for SEFS. We can also assure you that we will all continue to do everything in our power to support the headmaster in our mission to make SEFS one of the great schools of Europe.

The Headmaster, Dr Emery, writes:
I have been pleased by recent exam results, but it has taken some of you an unacceptably long time to knuckle down after the summer holiday and get back into the routine of the daily grind. Some of you have been making far too many mistakes in your school work too.

However I am pleased that you have all welcomed Mr Monchi’s successor, Mr Olabe to the school with such enthusiasm and have made a big effort to show him what you are capable of. I know that in his first weeks here he continues to be very impressed with the academic results of the sixth form. It is very encouraging for him to see that he has a good standard of work to build on in his role of director of sixth form studies.

It is now vitally important that you all without exception, keep on working as hard as possible to make up the ground the school lost in the first few weeks of term and to produce exam results which are among the best in the country. You can be quite sure that my staff and I will be keeping a very close watch on you all and that any slackers will be dealt with most severely.

A message from the Bursar, Mr Calvo:
Following the departure of Mr Heck, I was delighted to be asked to join SEFS and I hope to get to know you all much better in the coming weeks.

We have all been disappointed that the rules surrounding the financing of top schools discriminate against challenger establishments like SEFS. It is most unfair that we are continuing to be penalized for the shortcomings of previous owners of the school over the last thirty years or so. You can be quite sure that the governors and senior staff will continue to lobby for the rules to be relaxed to enable us to grow the school in the way that the governors wish.

Your Letters
Good morning,
I am very angry that I was made the scapegoat for the recent poor run of exam results. Let me tell you that

Yours sincerely
Mr Monchi
Sadly Mr Monchi’s letter has had to be cut for reasons of space – Ed.

Hello Everybody,
Some of you have been complaining about the amount of time that I spend in the San. Well, I can’t help it and I was mortified when Matron told me she was going to put me in the Ivo Stas ward for the chronically infirm. Anyhow, I am a lot better now, I am sick to death of the San and I intend to be in class for the rest of the school year.

Best
Amadou
Year 14
It is good that you are being so positive about your health, Amadou. Some people have been claiming that you are made of cut glass, so you need to try to prove them wrong – Ed.

Dear Sir,
Hello, or perhaps I should say hola. There are so many foreign staff and pupils at this school now that it is just embarrassing. Me and my friend Morgan put up Union Jacks and St George’s Crosses all around the school recently, but we were told to take them down. It’s shameful that we are a minority in our own school.

Yours
Jadon
Year 14
We mustn’t be narrow minded, Jadon, must we? English schools now aim to attract the best students from all over the world, which benefits us all – Ed.

Hi All,
We have been at SEFS now since the start of the school year but the Headmaster doesn’t seem to trust us and he gives us very little responsibility. He told us both that he was very keen for us to come to SEFS, so we are thinking he must be a bit of a
Yours sincerely
Victor and Harvey
Year 14
Contributors are reminded that letters showing disrespect to the Headmaster will be cut – Ed.

Howdy,
Very soon now we will be the biggest school not only in the West Midlands but in the whole of this little island.

See ya (in the rear view mirror)
Tom
St Andrews Young Offenders Institution
Ha ha ha! – Ed.

Dear All,
What a great school SEFS is. I am learning such a lot and really enjoying my time here. I am sure the school will go from strength to strength over the coming months and I hope to be able to make a big contribution.

Best wishes
Lamare
Year 14