ELLIS BUYS CHRISTMAS SHOCK

Well, I hoped you enjoyed Christmas, because after today it may never be the same again. Heroes & Villains can exclusively reveal that in a shock move earlier today Christmas has been bought by H.D. Ellis, one time travel agent and the man responsible for making the team irrelevant at a football club, for an undisclosed fee.

Said Ellis, "This is a logical progression for me. Football clubs are part of the entertainment business, and what is more entertaining than Christmas?"

Naturally there will be some changes to the established traditions of the festive season. For example, Santa will now reside in the McDonald's Family Grotto, and his sleigh will be replaced by a Rover. There will, though, be many of the more conventional trappings remaining. As Ellis commented, "You just can't trust anything made at Longbridge when the winter comes" and so the traditional form of getting Santa moving will also be used, with no more than a slight alteration. Instead of reindeer, animals will be used from Ellis' flock of tame pets. Turner, McNeill and Venglos were the first names to be announced, followed by the imported Curcic; "I'll get some use out of that bloody Serb or die in the attempt", Ellis is reported to have said. When asked if some of his more expensive animals, such as Milosevic and Collymore, would be used, Ellis replied "I'm not replacing reindeer with donkeys"

As for the sacred ritual of giving presents, Ellis was equally reticent. "This is an area in which I feel many commercial possibilities have long been overlooked. In future for the children of exceptionally rich parents, there will be executive visits, when Santa will come round and they can choose their presents. And of course, he will be carrying advertising on his coat, and his sack will be sponsored. What with this, and the T.V. rights, I should make a fortune. Not that making money is my main priority of course. Enjoyment has to come first," he said in a genuine act of selfless altruism.

When asked what types of presents he envisaged giving out, Ellis was confident that he could satisfy public demand. "Computers, Nigel Kennedy CDs, Reebok leisurewear," he said. "People want these things because they know they are reliable and can be trusted. Just like me in fact. I am convinced that under my leadership next Christmas will be the most profitable ever. Not that I'm interested in profit, you understand."

Taken from Issue 15