TODAY'S LINE UPS
This is a special section for all those of you twice a season supporters who purchased this magazine believing it to be the programme. Sorry that we can't furnish you with glossy pictures, advertisements for muiti-national companies and patronising comments but we are pleased to present our up to date team news section.
ASTON VILLA

Claret & (not enough) blue shirts, white shorts and socks. Bloody great yoghurt advert
NEWCASTLE UTD, NORWICH CITY, NOTTINGHAM FOREST & WHOEVER ELSE WE MIGHT BE PLAYING

What ever colour the club are trying to flog this week
1. NIGEL SPINK
2. EARL BARRETT
3.STEVE STAUNTON
4. SHAUN TEALE
5. PAUL MCG ....		 If you support one of these clubs then you should be well aware of their identities. This, obviously, does not apply to the tremendously loyal Toon Army who will either not have seen the team since Keegan last played or will be jumping on the bandwagon of the most passionate, fanatical, loyal supporters in the Cosmos. If you confrom to the latter, just squeal loudly the word "Andy" and then faint. If you are a Villa fan, however, why do you give a toss who's on the losing side?
Oh, sod it. You should know the squad by now. The programme doesnt list the starting line-up any more. If its been so long since you came to Villa Park that you don't recognise any the players, then just listen to the bloody tannoy, why don't you? And don't leave it so long to come to the match next time. We might not let you in.
HEROES & VILLAINS CLUBCALL
Can't get to the game?
Missing out on vital club information?

Just hand one of our vendors £10 and they will spout mindless driver for:
Three minutes (cheap rate) two minutes (other times).
H&V vouchers are valuable. Collect the full set and on cup final day we'll come round your house to watch the match and abuse the two teams playing, moaning all through the ninety minutes that the Villa would have beaten both of them at once if it wasn't for the disallowed goal, dodgy penalty and downright bad luck that meant us losing yet another quarter final.
Voucher no. 1
 Today's referee: A blind, pig-ignorant moron who lives in a village in the north and got made redunant last week. Not being too clever at geography he thinks B6 is somewhere in Surrey and blames us for voting Tory and costing him his job.

Taken from Issue 32