AWARD WINNERS

So, Paul Gascoigne was voted Sports Personality of The Year. He's a footballer, so presumably he's the best in the country?

No, that's John Barnes.

Well then, top goalscorer?

Steve Bull & Stuart Rimmer. In the First Division it's Ian Rush and David Platt.

He played in the World Cup?

Yes, but the turning point for England was the game against Belgium. Before that we were a national disgrace, afterwards everyone loved football.

So Gascoigne scored, did he?

No, David Platt got the only goal.

Well, what about the next game, the quarterfinal against Cameroon?

Platt again, and Cary Linekar got a couple of penalties.

The semi-final against West Germany?

He got booked and burst into tears. In fact, as he did nothing afterwards, you could blame him for our defeat, as we only had ten men frrom then on.

The third place game was good, did he do anything in that?

No, Platt scored, again.

Well, at least England won the Fair Play Award. Surely Gascoigne made some contribution there?

Yes, he was the only English player to get suspended.

What about what's happened since the World Cup then? He's scored a lot of goals for a midfleld player hasn't he?

Yes, but David Platt's scored more.

This Platt, he seems to have done a lot more than Gascoigne. How come he didn't get nominated for the award?

He plays for Aston Villa.