ranting robert

ranting robert

Captain Scarlet on MOTD was suitably unimpressed. After grudgingly admitting we made a good fightback he slated the ref for giving us a penalty because he reckoned the handball was "an accident". Miserable tosser.

It's been a quiet few weeks at Villa Park, apart from those hilarious rumours about Van Nistelrooy coming to B6 with Nilis. The Dutchman unsurprisingly signed for the Red Scum milliseconds after Real Madrid lashed their scabby red butts out of the Champions League at Mold Trafford. How wonderful was that result?

Man Ure want Nistelrooy to have a knee scan so he tells them to get knotted. The next day the player falls over and does his knee and will be out for at least nine months. Fergiebollex must have a feckin crystal ball.

Anyway, the impending visit of the Filbert Street donkeys had me thinking that it was time we stuffed it up O'Neill and his cart horses. I am getting a bit annoyed at our consistent failure to beat a team who are the new Wimbledon. Walkers Crisps XI are a strange thing; I hate the players more than the supporters (this is where there is normally an editorial insert to say that I hate everybody). (Would I do that? - ed). Mr Trail of Snot Flowers; Taggart the hoofer; Caveman Elliott; overrated Izzet and Headless Chicken Savage. The latter player is a prime example of why Wales are behind Equatorial Guinea in the FIFA rankings. And if that's not bad enough the referee gave our sheepshagging visitors all the decisions. Knuckle Dragging Elliott should have been off for an early bath but his mate Barber never even carded the gorilla. Bastards. Just wait until next season. Again.

Got home to hear the unbelievably shocking news that Man Ure and Rangers are both championszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Wake me up when they've all finished celebrating.

Strange things happen in the world of fanzines. Long time independent unofficial mag readers will no doubt remember, back in the mists of time, a 'zine called Missing Sid and it's editor Alex Russon. When Cowans re-signed for Villa the title was changed to Villa Bugle. I even wrote a few bits for it myself in my early literary career. Anyhow, old Alex got a bit fed up with football and said he was retiring from football fanzinedom to go off and do music mags or play golf or summat. That was about five years ago, and Mr Russon hasn't been seen or heard of since. Until the other Saturday, when an army of equally unfamiliar faces descended on Villa Park with copies of the suddenly-relaunched Villa Bugle.

Surely this sudden change of mind wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that the Villa have reached their first FA Cup final in 43 years, would it? Shame on me for even thinking such a thing. And I thought all the gloryhunters were at Mold Trafford..............

Ah, the sound of whining small heaths is music to my ears. After their 1-0 defeat at Maine Road some of the sad toerags phoned up the radio to complain about how they'd been set upon by Man City thugs. A thought came to mind; you will know it if you arrange "black", "pot" "kettle" and "calling the" into the correct order. It couldn't happen to a nicer bunch.

Oh no, we've done it again. Thrown away two points by failing to convert a multitude of scoring opportunities, that is. Sunderland should have been well and truly buried by the time that ageing beanpole equalised. The annoying thing is their keeper made one terrific save from Barry, but the rest of our shots were off target. It looks more like we will need to win the FA Cup to get into Europe, or else it's Intertoto time.

It seems the slime from Shitefield Road have one away game left to avoid going a whole season without winning away. They've got as much hope as Beelzebub giving a listenable commentary. And the proles who watch them think they've had a good season just because they're not in the relegation fight. What a load of sad wankers.

Got to give credit where it's due, the Sunderland fans bought more copies of H&V than the rest of the visitors to Villa Park put together. And such down to earth folk; no arrogance, no nastiness. No real villains in their team to abuse either. 'Kinnell, I must be going soft in me old age.

Oh no, it looks like Wimbledon are about to sack manager Egil Olsen following their 3-0 defeat at Bradford, a result which puts the Wombles in the bottom three with two games to go. And it's us at Selhurst next game. Arse. I suppose we'll roll over for the bastards like in the old days. To be honest I hope they do go down. No one will miss their dirty cloggers, sad changing room antics and pathetically small away support. And regular travellers will be full of joy at not having to trek to Selhurst Park for the foreseeable future. Go on Villa, hammer a few more nails in their relegation coffin.

So Olsen goes, and John Fashanu reveals on talkSport that he wants to throw his hat in the ring (I thought that was Justin's game). Fashanu was talking to some bloke from Birmingham who was brown nosing like something rotten. When asked who he followed this cretinous creep replied "Birmingham, and I hope your lot stuff the Villa on Saturday". Just like dog shit in Chelmsley Wood, these vegetables get everywhere.

Man Ure at home last game, and not much to play for for either of us except the thrill of victory, if we're guaranteed sixth place by then that is. We are well overdue a win against Thailand's favourite team, and if Yorke fails to score and The Wombat is in goal to receive more abuse it should be a decent warm up for The Big 'Un at the capital's finest stadium, ho ho ho. No doubt there will be a load of pathetic touts outside making a profit out of all the suckers in new official Redscum gear. It'd be a nice change to stuff it up the arrogant haemorrhoids this year, Villa. Don't let us down.

Note to Ipswich Town FC: I'm sure that all you tractor boys would love a nice day out at B6 next year, so do us all a favour and make sure you dispose of small heath in the play offs. Not only do we NOT want Pornodwarf, Slapper and Beelzebub next season, we don't want the vilest scumbags on the planet at our ground either. Nor does anybody else, I would think. Watford saved us from the blight of football last year, this year it could be down to you. Just think of all those innocent little kids who will be too scared to get Merlins Premier 2001 sticker book with all those gorillas in it. I know we won the league at your expense in '81, but we were the dogs bolex back then. We'll be your best mates, Ipswich, if you can win the play offs this year.

On the off chance you sneak into second place, note to Man City: I'm sure all you mad for it boys would love a day out in B6...................

10 Things I Would Like To See After This Issue Goes Out

1. Villa lash Man Ure to a senseless pulp 2. After we've helped send Wimbledongs down of course 3. Small Heath to miss out on the play offs (with the aid pf points deductions, if necessary) 4. If not, another penalty defeat please 5. Villa to show the London biased press how to win the FA Cup 6. Walsall up, Olbiyun down (see no. 3) 7. Herbert waving his big wad at new players this summer 8. Sty Andrews to self combust 9. Followers of small heath and Vermin Coventry to catch a nasty incurable disease. 10. Oh, and Villa to win the FA Cup, or did I already mention that?

As the end of the season is upon us I feel it is time to do the grovelling apology. Yes, a few months back you might remember me commenting that, during our piss poor run of defeats, JG might have had his day. After losing at Vermin City and at home to an average Newcastle it seemed we were unsavable by the current manager. That is why I sit here writing this and JG has just signed a three year, million pound a year contract. We are currently on a run of only two defeats in 27 games, and have reached our first FA Cup final since Doug was a thirtysomething young go-getter of a travel agent.

For the latter alone John Gregory deserves our appreciation, and some humble pie scoffing from those of us who thought he'd shit it. Our leader will go down as one of the greats if he can motivate the Villa to victory over the cockney League Of Nations. Go on JG, do it for us, do it for the players, but most of all do it for yourself. You could emulate the late, great Eric Houghton, and that's no mean feat. Immortality beckons.

Oh no, robbed in the fourth minute of injury time again. I really hope Southampton stuff Wimbledongs next week so we don't have to suffer trips to shitty Selhurst and they go down to where they belong. Jammy bastards. We will probably lose out on sixth spot thanks to that ginger tosser sheep shagger Hartson. No I am not a happy man. Apart from our great fightback from a goal down the only luck we had was Dublin getting a yellow card when someone like Elleray would have sent him off and made him miss the cup final.

Come on you Saints, you've had six points off us. Now do what we couldn't and GET RID OF WIMBLEDON.

So that's it. The end of quite an eventful season. Hopefully you will be reading this after we have inflicted a rare defeat on Mold Traffords cronies, we owe them a few goals. Fingers crossed that we will be seeing the FA Cup paraded round Villa Park in early August as well. Have a good summer, unless you are a small heath, Coventry, Wimbledon, Man Ure or anyone else who's not Villa. They can all get knotted.

Rob Wardle