ali g talks to dougie e

ali g talks to dougie e

Doug: I beg your pardon, young man?

Ali: Well you is Deadly, right? So you de main man. You gotta earn de name somewhere 'cos de vicar man 'e wouldn't christen you Deadly, would 'e? 'Cos none o' de angels and de God people, dey won' be called Deadly, so you can' get called Deadly like it you given name. Stand to reason you gotta earn a name like dat.

Doug: Oh, I see. You're quite right. I was given the name by a friend of mine, Jimmy Greaves.

Ali: Wot, you mean 'im used to be on de telly Sat'day mornin' wiv dat little Scotty fella? I ain't seen 'im for years, man. Wod 'appen? You two fall out? You get 'im wasted?

Doug: Er, no. His contract ended and the television company chose not to renew it.

Ali: I don' blame dem man. 'E was mingin'. Dey need true class on de telly now, like me an' de boyz. An' no worry 'bout contracts. Dey end mine, de posse find anudder kinda contract fer dem. So what kinda man you waste? Is it dem politician? Dat Tony Blair, 'ow much it cost fer 'im to 'ave an accident den?

Doug: I think you misunderstand. I was on holiday, and.....

Ali: Ah, I understand now. You 'as got nuffink do wid de Krays an' dat. You a big game 'unter, no? You go shootin' de lions an' tigers an' de elephants. Sweet. Wot you use fer dat man? 'Cos you need one I can get you a Uzi any time you want.

Doug: Well actually, I was fishing....

Ali: Now dat's summink. A little ol' guy like you out on de ocean wid de big fish. You after de shark an' de mamba ray an' dat?

Doug: Not exactly. I was up in Scotland and I caught a salmon. I pulled it out of the water and hit it over the head with a small hammer so Jimmy called me Deadly after that.

Ali: WHHHHAAAAAAATTT!!!!! 'Ooo you fink you are guy? You come on me show, you call youself Deadly an' say you a big man. I fink you worth respect even if you is a little ol' fella. Den you say you is called Deadly 'cos you 'it a teeny liddle fish on de 'ead. I don' like cruelty to animals man, even if dey is fishes. You wait till dis show finish man, you gon' get wot's comin'. De posse dey is all animal luvvas man. You wanna see de dogs dey collec' ev'ry weekend.

Doug: Yes, but I'm also called Deadly because of the way I get rid of my managers.

Ali: Aaaaahhhh. Now dat is more like it. Dey don' do no good you get rid, dat it?

Doug: Pretty much so, yes.

Ali: Now we is talkin' An' when you kill de fishes dat is like de Mafia innit? Two dead fish, you is gonna be swimmin' wid dem soon. Just like Tony Soprano. 'Im me big 'ero man. Respec', Tony,

Doug: Well, not quite. But you're on the right lines.

Ali: 'Nuff said Mr Deadly. I is on you side from now. Anyway, you got 'dis football team. Dey any good?

Doug: Oh, yes.

Ali: Wot dey won den? Dey won de Preemiership an' de Champions League ting like me local team did?

Doug: Well, while I've been around they've won the Coca-Cola Cup twice.

Ali: De wot? You avvin' a laff intcha? You tell me dat all dese well 'ard footballers jus' get a glass o' dat brown fizzy stuff?

Doug: Well, not exactly. Anyway, my club makes a lot of money.

Ali: Now you is talkin'. Cos even I know dat dere is a lot o' money in de football. So wot you spendin' you money on? You buyin' de good players like de Man Ure an' de Chelsea Clinton an' de Ass'ole?

Doug: No. I don't believe in spending a lot of money on players. But we are extending the ground and building a hotel.

Ali: Wot, you mean wanna dey DSS 'ostels?

Doug: No, a four star hotel sited at the ground.

Ali: Er Mista Deadly, I fink you wanna check dat plan out a bit more. 'Cos I don' wanna diss de fine people o' Birmingham, but I took a look where you ground is an' it in a mingin' area. Tell you wot you wanna do. You wanna diss de 'otel idea an' you wanna get you'sel' some good players. 'Cos de ones you got ain't dat good. All 'cept dat Merson. Respec' to dat man. Nevva mind wot you won years ago, 'e de one I wanna 'ave round mine for de coke cup. But dat manager you got. 'E any good?

Doug: Well I thought at first I might have made a mistake but now I realise what a good choice I made once again.

Ali: Dat jus' as well 'cos 'is voice like a busted window. All Wright? Not on dat night man.

Doug: Well, we did spend a lot on one player once. Stan Collymore, I think his name was.

Ali: Ahh, Stan de Man, I remember 'im. 'E used to 'nock around wiv dat skinny bird Ulrikakaka. Sorry, wrong show fer a minnit dere. 'Ow much you pay 'im?

Doug: We paid seven million pounds for him and twenty thousand pounds a week wages.

Ali: You give 'im twenty k a week? Min' Merson 'as 'ad a few k as well. Wot 'appen?

Doug: We gave him a free transfer.

Ali: So let me get dis right. You own da football club. You buy a player fer eight million, give 'im away fer nuttink an' you still dere. Di'n you 'ave ter give de money back an' say sorry fer bein' such an ol' fool an' dat?

Doug: No. In fact I gave myself a pay rise and increased my dividend payments.

Ali: Me t'ink me in de wrong game. Me give up talkin' to ol' people an' get meself a football club. Me sell de posse an' pay meself out o' de money.

Doug: Actually, there's a lot more to it than that.

Ali: 'Oo you foolin' man? You buy dis club, dey win nuttin', you cost dem millions an' you get to pay you'self back de money it cost an' a bit on top. An' if any man diss you dey get rubbed out. Mr Deadly, you is de man. Give it up fer de boss man. Mr Deadly, respec'.