Blimey, NTL must be run by a Villa fan. The fact that they're prepared to hand over £26 million to a club run by Dougie is amazing. Still, don't get too excited. After Herbert's made the ground bigger, built his hotel, and erected the H.D Ellis Super Shopping Mall on the Asda, there will only be enough dough left to sign a couple of old has-beens. There, prove me wrong and make me eat humble pie Mr Chairman.

Just got back from Villa against Helsingborg- clonesscumbag City. Their supporters are obviously brain dead if they enjoy watching that turgid excuse for football. People reckon Martin O'Neill is a good manager. If getting your team to produce the most boring negative bollox the world has ever seen is good managing, then O'Neill is definitely top man. What about some of them Leicester players? The skill factor is so low they make Wimbledon look like Brazil 1970. You've got Traveller Savage who does a mean impression of a headless chicken; Matt Elliott, who's not that quick because his knuckles drag along the floor; and Emile Heskey, a dirty clogging bastard who can dish it out but if you give it back he's a real nancy boy. Heskey spends more time on the floor than my living room carpet. I hope

JG was only joking when he said he wanted to sign the overrated sack of cack. And don't forget Tim Flowers, who obviously thought he'd already got to Wembley the amount of dancing and prancing he was doing, even when everybody else had left the pitch. If playing behind this bunch of hoofers gets him so excited he must have shat his jockstrap when Blackburn won the league.

Villa have signed a £6 million deal with Diadora to manufacture our kit for the next 3 years. Oooh, suits you, Herbert. If anyone at Diadora is unsure what colours we play in I suggest a questionnaire be distributed so we can all have a say, failing that send them the following memo: 1) Villa play in shirts that should entail a claret body, blue sleeves and white shorts. No stripes, especially red or green, are acceptable. 2) We do NOT require an away kit that is blue, of any shade or hue. Blue is NOT acceptable. NO BLUE, GOTTIT??? 3) Make them a sensible price you bastards.

What a cup tie! Things looked as clever as a small heath quiz contestant at half time, but the way we set about Leedssszzzzz in the second half filled me with pride. Carbone's hat trick was sublime, Boateng trampled the Leedsszzz midfield, Stone had his best game, Merson was England class, but towering above everyone was Gareth Barry. Kevin Keegan should be forced to watch a re-run of this game because if Barry isn't ready for England then Coventry supporters are the nicest and most sporting in the country. Barry's performance would have had Paul McGrath applauding.

Had a laugh outside the ground. The now world famous (or Kingshurst at least) Dean Barrett was with me whilst selling H&V. "Look at this lot!" he said, "Their foreheads meet with their chins! What a load of cavemen". And he wasn't far wrong. Never have I seen so many shaven skulled cro-magnons gathered together in one place (apart from when small heath got to the Windscreen Wiper Cup Final). It seems they didn't take too kindly to defeat either, if what I saw on Witton Lane afterwards is anything to go by.

Beni Carbone says no one has come forward for talks about securing the Italian a long term contract. JG says that he'll see how it goes. Listen, John. You screwed up big time with Robbie Keane - DON'T DO IT AGAIN WITH CARBONE - CAPISCE?

I've been waiting for the announcement of JG as Carling manager of the month. After our 11 game unbeaten run, including two victories over table topping Leeds, our leader should have been odds on. But no, whoever gives out this accolade ignores the turnaround at Villa Park and sends it to Danny Wilson at Hillsborough. Well, Wednesday HAVE beaten Bradford and Wolves and moved above the rapidly sinking Watford.

Well I never, referee Andy D'Urso had the effrontery to award Middlesbrough a penalty at Mold Trafford! Doesn't he know that it's not allowed? It states quite clearly in the Big Book Of Football Rules that no penalties shall ever EVER be awarded to the opposition at Mold Trafford. Then Mr D'Urso tells us how pressured he felt as Yobbo Keane and his Man Ure pals surrounded the ref and gave him plenty of verbal. "If I hadn't kept backing up, Keane, Stam and the others would have knocked me over" said the ref. After seeing it on the news I tend to agree. As usual the don't like it up 'em brigade at Man Ure acted like a right bunch of thugs. How come, then, that after this disgraceful showing Mr D'Urso says he is NOT going to put it in his report? I think we should be told.

I watched the second leg at The Famous Dean Barrett's. Aren't those Sky commentators full of shit? And they show so many replays you miss half the action. If there is any........And I see they had the usual unbiased panel, Trampass Claridge (ex Leicester) and someone else not associated with Villa. We had two goal attempts on target with 13 minutes left. What a time to pick to play your worst game in weeks. Once again we let an inferior team outplay us. Ugo deserves a good slapping for letting that gorilla score.

George Weah looks certain to sign for Marseille, then he shows up at Stamford Bridge and no one knew about it until the deal was done. Villa are desperate for a target man and the Mail is full of a story about us signing an unheard of Argentinian who can't get in the Roma team and probably won't get off our subs bench. Now, which of these two clubs do you think has a director of football who wears a stupid Santa hat in February?

Now that Gustavo Bartelt is on his way to B6 on loan. I'd better make it clear that I don't hate ALL Argentinians, just the cheating handballing junkie ones.

Paolo Madini says he wants to play for Chelsea if he leaves Milan this season. And Batistuta reckons if he ever leaves Fiorentina he's heading for Man Ure. Marvellous. The players are worse gloryhunters than the fans now.

Every now and then we score a really memorable goal, one that sticks in the memory. Against Watford Paul Merson scored two such gems in three minutes. After a well dodgy start to the season Merson is now putting in performances of real quality. If wearing the captain's armband does that I'd let him keep it. And what about that reception for Graham Taylor? It fair brought a lump to the throat. It's a shame his team are easily the most clueless in the top flight.

At last the Collymore nightmare is over. SVC has even took a wage cut to go to Monster Munch City. And I'll be amazed if he manages to play the fifty games that ensure we get our measly £500,000. No more will I have to hear the same old Colly excuses. "On his day he's brilliant", "He's got it all", "He's just gotta get his head right" etc etc. I bet you won't get the (undeserved) adulation from the proles at Filbert Street that you got from Villa. There's only two teams in Scotland, and they're not that clever. Celtic and Rangers are so far in front of everything else one of them losing to a lower league team is unheard of. Until the other night when Inverness Caledonian Thistle won 3-1 at Parkhead in the Scottish FA Cup. Wasn't it amusing to hear all that wailing and gnashing of teeth? Giantkilling happens every season down here and it's great. The first time it happens to Celtic it's the end of the world. They'll be using their sporrans to mop up the tears for the rest of the season, boo hoo.

The FA are shit-hot on misbehaviour these days. A punch up on the pitch between Leeds and Spurs has both sides up on a charge, likewise Wimbledon and Chelsea for aggro in the tunnel. Unsurprisingly it seems that everyone's least favourite scumbag, Dennis Wise, was at the root of the trouble. Now Gascoigne is being charged over his scandalous assault on George Boateng. These two arse-clinkers should be done away with; parascending off Blackpool Tower without a rope sounds about right. All we need now is the FA to sort out Man Ure's referee-lynching antics. No, it's just not going to happen, is it?

I'm really chuffed that Gareth Barry has got a more than deserved call up to the full England squad for the friendly with the Argies. But as usual there are some inexplicable names in the party. I can't believe that the England manager can pick Barry and Southgate but leave out Ehiogu. The three of them form the tightest back three in the Premier, bar Liverpool. But it seems Wor Kev is not prepared to give anyone else a chance, and he obviously reckons the highly overrated Rio Ferdiebolex is better than Ugo. Then there's midfield, and Paul Ince is there again. What's he done this season, apart from struggle in a shit team? Ian Taylor is too old to play for his country, Ince is older than Taylor. Best of all is the inclusion of Dennis (Un)Wise. This irritating cockney gobshite is nothing but trouble but still gets the call. Amazing, innit?

Oh dear, the tabloids are plastered with the mug of one S.V. Collymore. Isn't it nice that it's not the name of Aston Villa he's tarnishing these days? Salt'N'Vinegar City's new acquisition has been fined two weeks wages after he started riotous scenes by letting off a fire extinguisher in the bar of the posh Spanish training camp they are staying at. Or were, as the manager kicked their arses out of the place after Collyflower's antics. Oh, what an embarrassment. Bet you're regretting that gamble already, ain'tcha O'Neill? I think it's ace. Keep up the immature pranks Stanley boy, now you've buggered off we can all have a good giggle.

Whilst on the subject of giggling, I suggest you tune in to Teletext page 175 on Channel 4 on a Thursday. There you will see one of the worlds worst football tipsters, The Guvnor (seems everyone with this name is a useless mouthy tosser). Of late he seems to be doing the Villa no end of good by forecasting us to lose. He had us to lose against Leeds in the cup, and lose at the Riverside. It doesn't take a genius to guess what he reckons will happen at Goodison in the FA Cup guarter final. Thanks mate.

The lads defended like hell in the second half after strikes by the rapidly improving Stone and the magical Carbone had given us the half time advantage. What great vocal support the team were given too. It's just a shame that in the present time of supposed leniency by the referees, Dermot Gallagher decided that Beni deserved an early bath for two offences which hardly warranted even a lecture. Under-The-Thumbs-Worth smacks Carbone in the face and gets a yellow, yet our man back heels a ball three yards and unsuccessfully attempts to stop an Everton free kick being taken, and gets a red.

Oh well, at least we've got a trip to the ground that is the pinnacle of English football (rolls around the floor with laughter) to look forward to. Watch out Bolton, because the Villa boys are almost within reach of the Holy Grail of Aston, the elusive FA Cup.