New readers might not know it, but there was a time when Villa were cast into the nether regions of what is now known as division one. This gave the more statistically-minded amongst our support the opportunity to boost the number of grounds they'd seen the Villa play on. It gave teams like Bournemouth, Shrewsbury and Reading the chance to say they'd lost to us and it also provided some horror stories. Everywhere we went the locals seemed to relish the chance to meet'n'greet the big names. Usually this was confined the the sort of adolescent angst witnessed outside amusement arcades and McDonalds everywhere but occasionally it was a lot nastier. This was one such time.

It created a bit of a milestone because it was one of the first matches when we were put out for the benefit of television cameras, and boy was it a put out. Sunday afternoon kick-off, which might not be that unusual now, but in those far-off days was as rare as a Small Heath university graduate.

By luxury double decker with video, toilets and waitress service Middlesbrough is still a long way away. In an old Ford Escort driven by someboy who picks you up then says he only passed his test a fortnight ago it's the start of a nightmare.

Actually, getting there wasn't too bad. We followed all the signs diligently, looked for the floodlights and ended up in one of the many chemical works which make Middlesbrough the Florence of the north-east. Managed to see someone with a Boro sticker in his car,

followed him and unsurprisingly didn't end up in his driveway but at Ayresome Park. Then a voice from the back had a brainwave.

"That's where we sat in the League Cup", came what at the time sounded the voice of reason. "Park on that bit of waste ground there and we'll be straight out and away Sound."

So park up we did. These days, of course, finding a pub away is a piece of piss You head for the nearest one, or if that's not an option there's always a place that welcomes visitor, usually on payment of a donation to charity. The Caribbean Rest Home for Publicans is often a favourite in these situations.

Not so today. In, look round, out again. Yes folks, it's Slaughtered Lamb territory again. I'd never up to then seen so much evil gathered together in one place, and I've been to Glasgow. There was absolutely no way I was going to chance it in there, and none of us particularly felt like trying anywhere else.

So we made our way to the ground, early and sober. About a hundred yards from the away turnstiles were a row of barriers manned by policemen with horses, alsatians, Uzi machine guns. Well maybe not but they could have done with them. But more of that later. Usual questions about who we supported, where we were from, all that sort of thing. Then the biggest policeman of the lot said "Don't get causing any trouble here. We arrested a fifty year old the other week". We'd been in Middlesbrough half an hour, we still hadn't seen anybody who looked as though they were on even nodding terms with civilisation and the police were there thinking we'd want to kick it off. Yup. If my memory's still what it was, Villa were top of the league with Middlesbrough up there as well. The run of form which had seen us charging up the league had faltered a bit, mainly after we bought some donkey named Platt, but we were confident enough. Anyway, there wasn't a massive turn out of Villa and most were in the stand in the top level of the away end. You wouldn't have seen much downstairs anyway because of all the flags which covered the fences. There might not have been many of us, but we certainly put on a show for the cameras. It was at this point that Mr Cleverarse from earlier got a bit worried.

"Er. we weren't here last time." "What do you mean exactly, not here?" "I just remembered. We blagged some comps off the players and we were in the main stand." "So you mean our car isn't parked directly behind us, for ease of getting straight out and off. 'Sound', I believe was your description." "Er, no." "So which stand were you in last time." "That one."

Four Adams Apples hit four jaws and bounced back in unison. That stand was now rapidly filling up with, well I don't know how to describe it. I know it's a herd of cattle, a flock of sheep, a pride of lions and so on. What name do you give for a group of sub-humans? This was seriously heavy shit.

The match passed in a blur. I know we scored, Gary Pallister had to go in goal for for a bit and they eventually won. Most of our attention was taken up with watching the antics of what was going on to our left. I've seen entire stands full of lads who looked up for it, but this was something else. My descriptive powers don't come anywhere doing justice to the scenario unfolding a few yards away, but believe me it was truly spine-chilling. They didn't actually set fire to the ground and they didn't eat bananas with their feet. But it was a close run thing at times.

And so the match ended. We weren't kept in for long, but moved through the exit to a barrier on the road. Here we stood and watched agog as the biggest collection of primates ever assembled in one place lumbered past. Before the match I'd wondered what the marks were along the pavement. I realised it was where their knuckles scraped the ground. No exaggerating, there were thousands of them. And not one, not one single person there, was normal. I mean alright, they all had two arms, one head, couple of eyes, that sort of thing. But there were no kids, no old fellas., no women. Everybody in that crowd, and it took what seemed like hours to go past us, was scarcely on nodding terms with humanity. Middlesbrough - the Lost Tribe.

Eventually the stragglers were ushered on their way, reminded how to walk upright and after a reasonable period had elapsed we were free to go. Back where THEY had come from. And now the tale peters out into anti-climax.

The waste ground where we'd parked was full of police vans. Fearing the worst we panicked temporarily then realised what the score was. We'd picked the spot where the team coach parked and was seriously well protected. Purely but chance we were on the safest place to park in the north-east. We thought of asking if we could join in the escort back to the motorway but decided not to chance it. One lucky break in the day was enough.