18th October: Sunderland 2 Villa 1. And on the eighth day the Lord did rest, and he did look round and think to himself "I've made it too good here. Nobody's ever going to be scared of me when all they can see is the decent things I've made. I'm going to have to put a bit of shite in to show what I'm capable of if you piss me off." And he did create Small Heath, and all the demons therein and, to really round it all off, he did then pick up a piece of dung, and he did breath life into it, and he did call it David Ellery. And that's all there is to it, folks. We were one up and doing mighty fine until two decisions from Mr High and Mighty denied us a penalty (which we'd have probably missed anyay) and gave them one (which put them back in the match). If Sunderland are so high up the league it shows how poor it is, the only difference between them and a Very Ordinary Team Indeed is Kevin Phillips knowing he's going to score at least once a match. Twice if he's in league with the Refereeing Devil. Stan's back, misses training and gets fined 40k. Not the biggest surprise of the decade.

19th October: Benito Carbone is about to sign for the Villa. Normally I'd turn the page, but this time.....

20th October: Benito Carbone signs, well blow me down, who'd have thought it, etc etc.

23rd October: Villa 1 Wimbledon 1. Ladies and Gentlemen, our very own little hero. A magical debut, which only shows up the mediocrity we've endured this year. Runs with the ball, passing, close control, he had it all. He deserved a goal, but we'll let that pass for the moment after the one he laid on for Dion. We should be beating Wimbledon at home but let's concentrate on the most exciting prospect since, well almost since pre-history. Then reading in the Mail some 17 year old Italian trialist at the Sty had been kidnapped by someone trying to make him play for another club. Running away screaming I'd understand, but having to be dragged reluctantly? What a strange world we're living in, to be sure.

30th October: Manchester United 3 Villa 0. We started off well, didn't take our chances, didn't score. They came back into the game more as it went on, had three chances and scored them all. And that, basically, is the story of the match. There isn't much more to say, I don't want to mention them any more than I can help it. We've gone down the league a bit more though, which is worrying.

2nd November: In an attempt to get a bit of match practice in for some of our fringe players, Messrs Wright, Gharyib, Draper, Stone, Watson, Merson and Collymore are sent off on a public relations exercise/friendly against a team from the lower echelons of the Dr Martens League. Raunds Town 3 Villa 2. Back to the drawing board, methinks. The Premier League say JG & Stan should have their heads banged together, in not so many words.

3rd November: The FA reduce Stan's fine by half, which doesn't please JG and doesn't please Stan much either.

4th November: Kevin Keegan picks the piss-ordinary midfielder which every England manager has to at some point and it's Steven Froggatt. Talking of Stevens, Mr Stone asks nicely if he can get a game.

6th November. He shouldn't have bothered.. Villa 0 Southampton 1 and things are looking worrying. A promising start, ten minutes of reasonably bright play then eighty minues of dire averageness. Paul Merson started getting into the game, then he was substituted, which led to one of the loudest bits of discontent heard at Villa Park for many a long while. You could just see Southampton getting a goal at the end and they promptly obliged. "You don't know what you're doing", indeed. But try not to stand up when you're singing, Doug. They don't like that kind of thing in the Trinity Road.

8th November: Barry Fry (remember him?) says Doug's made an offer for two of his players.

10th November: John says it's the first he's heard. So who made the offer? Surely not our Leader who never interferes in the playing side? Stan splits with his agent, says he's going to be here longer than we think, JG says he might get into the team, Draper wants away. The word "Crisis" isn't far off.

11th November: And to prove it, we have a press conference where Doug attacks scurrilous media types and says John's got the backing of the board.

12th November: Planning permission is closer to being granted for the first redevelopment, bringing capacity up to 43,000. It'll come in handy one day, I'm sure. Well known comedy turn Bazza Fry says Doug didn't make the offer for the two players and he doesn't know where the idea came from, honest.

17th November: Beni's agent says that if he's going to stay then everything's got to be perfect. I spy a case of getting your excuses in first here.

19th November: John 'Diplomacy' Gregory says he's got no regrets about not signing Robbie Keane, who hasn't proved himself yet, anyway. The words 'come' 'back' 'to' and 'haunt' are seen hovering in the background.

21st November: Nice one Mr Bigfat. Villa not only get a home FA Cup draw (fifth in a row, fact fans) but it's against the unknown AXA Wildcard TBC.

22nd November: The day starts with Gareth Southgate criticising fans for not getting behind the team enough. It continues with John Gregory saying Coventry only bought Robbie Keane to get one over on the Villa. And it ended just how you expected. Coventry 2 Villa 1, with the said Mr Keane scoring the winner. We can complain about penalties and offside goals, but we can also say a few other things. Like why Carbone was on the bench and never came on. And we had one real chance all night. And the centre of the pitch was bossed by a midfield with Carlton Palmer in it. And we can pay millions for Stone and Watson while Coventry pay peanuts for Chippo and Hadjl and I know who I'd rather have in the team. Coming out of the ground we had to make a detour. It was the fat lady clearing her throat.

23rd November: Mr Gregory responds to defeat by casting doubt on Ugo, saying he would no doubt have been fit had it been a cup final. You obviously don't know John, so I'll help you out. It's spelt D.I.G.N.I.T.Y.

24th November: The PFA are backing Ugo's complaint to them. The Albion are doubtless looking forward to a windfall soon. The reserves play a friendly against Loughborough University and draw 2-2. At least it's better than Raunds Town.

25th November: Gareth Southgate gets fined five grand from Leicester but escapes a ban.

26th November: Unlike his manager, who also gets fined 5k, a 28 day touchline ban and ordered to tell the FA he's sorry and he won't do it again. Look, whatever you're thinking, just STOP IT. Okay?