the truth is out there...

The other Saturday evening I got home from football, and the pub, just as some programme started about a couple of detectives going back in time to solve crimes, or something along those lines. It was all pretty diabolical stuff, but the thought also occurred to me that a much better use of such an imaginary time machine would be for this fanzines editorial staff to go back to the heady days of the following games played this season.

Episode One: 7th September 1996. There they are, in the tunnel as referee Riley comes out for the second half of the game against Arsenal. Rob Wardle, With his usual sense of diplomacy and politeness, reminds Mr Riley that the second half of a match is meant to last for the same duration as the first and he must remember to restart his watch every time he stops it for a break in play. Mr Riley informs them in no uncertain manner that he is a top class Premier league official and is well aware of such an obvious fact. Dove Woodhall tells him not to be such a pompous arsehole and unless he takes note of their good advice Mr Riley will be in for one hell of a lot of criticism, albeit not from the London press.

During the second half Mr Riley glances at his stopwatch and notices that this is what ifs done stopped. He presses the restart button and lo and behold, off it jolly well goes. He realises in a sweaty panic that he forgot to restart it after the last stoppage when Hartson got substituted.

Normally he wouldn't care, and just carry on regardless, but today he remembers those strange shadowy, ghost-like figures that spoke to him so knowingly at half-time. Suppose these characters turn out to be representatives from the FA hierarchy). So he checks the time on his other watch, which he keeps constantly running, and quickly calculates that he must have 'lost four or five minutes and therefore decides to blow for full time by the correct timepiece. Consequently the match finishes with Villa justifiably winning 2-1 (N.B. plus two points).

Episode Two: 30th September, 1996. As in most of these type of drama serials, each episode is boringly similar in plot and don't expect these to be any different. Our heroes are in the north-east of England, in a land that time forgot known as Newcastle, and once more they are situated in the tunnel at half-time. You might well wonder how they keep on getting into this tunnel when on normal matchdays they would be frog-marched out of the ground by a group of Hood-trained commandos. The answer is cop-outingly simple. Ifs poetic licence.

Anyway, they're in the tunnel and on this occasion speak to a linesman. Steven Pennell remarks that, just like his old schoolmate Gary Shaw, Dwight Yorke is so quick and sharp that sometimes you can mistakenly think he is offside, and a linesman must have his wits about him at all times. Of course, this linesman takes note and whereas in normal circumstances he would have cancelled out a genuinely good goal by Villa's own Mr Happy, this time the linesman gets the decision spot on correct. In the match of the season, Dwight Yorke gets four goals in a 4-4 draw. (Plus one point.)

Episode Three: 16th November, 1996. Again, a fixture with a diabolical refereeing decision, but with David Ellary in charge there is no chance of getting the penalty rescinded. Instead, Simon Page and Greg Upton, disguising themselves as postmen, deliver by registered mail videos showing action of the game to be played later to the homes of Fernando Nelson and Michael Oakes. Upon obtaining receipts for these packages our intrepid pair warn the two players it is in their own best interests to watch these videos immediately or else dire events could befall their households and their future playing status at Aston Villa,

Having watched their videos, during the Actual match both Oakes and Nelson realise the errors they are about to make so therefore our Iberian import hoofs the ball into Row Q and our future England international goalkeeper sticks to the habit of a lifetime, enabling Villa to lead 1-0 at half-time. As the Foxes pile forward late ;In the game in search of an equaliser Yorke breaks clear, nutmegs Welsh and slots the second goal of a 2-0 victory. (Plus three points.)

Episode Four. 10th January 1997. The Friday evening before the home game against Newcastle. Peter Aldridge, married to a Geordie, has been able to perfect an impersonation of Kevin Keegan, and phones Brian little pretending to be the recently resigned manager of the Magpies.

Although He who Walks on Water has his doubts about the authenticity of the phone call, he is reminded that Shako Hislop has had lots of practice saving penalties from his best mate Dwight Yorke, and it may be a good idea to outwit Hislop and let someone else take the spot-kick the Villa will undoubtedly be awarded tomorrow. The outcome is that the following day, after a remarkable fightback Villa win 3-2. (Plus two points.)

Episode Five: 21st February, 1997. Even I think that this last episode in the series stretches incredulity to breaking point. Our six superheroes dress up as Serbian gypsies and call at the Milosevic home on the morning of the game against Nottingham Forest. They tell Savo that a curse was put upon him on the day he left Belgrade airport to sign for the great Aston Villa. But joy of joys, they have this very morning banished this curse into the ether and he can now stop being so wooden in front of goal.

No, even I can't ask you to be that gullible. Savo stall proceeds to fluff two good chances, but luckily the H&V guys had it sussed and had a word with the linesman about the law and interfering with play, so Dwight is not flagged offside and Savo's perfectly good goal stands to give Villa a 1-0 win. (Plus two points.)

Back in the real world, is any of the previous nonsense relevant? Only this. I do not accept that good and bad luck balance themselves with regard to injuries, refereeing decisions and cup draws. Maybe over a long period of two, three or even ten years Lady Luck is more even-handed.

Therefore, I try not to be too disappointed when I look back on this season from which I had hoped for so much. in a moderate to lucky year Villa could have had from the episodes given examples another eleven points and virtually been assured of a European place. You could, I'm sure, add further examples without too much thought.

By the start of next season I hope we'll have acquired at least three additional players in the squad, either, current internationals (in a top ranked national side) or youngsters rapidly heading in that direction. Two goalscoring forwards (we need two in case Dwight gets injured) and a genuine winger to give us an alternative during a match when the wing-backs are ineffectual. The managerial staff can then clear out the deadwood who aren't contributing anything to the club. The names Curcic and Joachim spring to mind.

God willing, this middle-aged bloke and his twelve year old son will be on the Holte again in mid-August. One of us will be high on adrenalin and screaming like an imbecile for a Villa victory. My son will just be hoping that the Villa aren't boring.

Enjoy the summer.